


the preparations of peace

by iooking



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 15x20 coda, Episode Fix-It: s15e20 Carry On, Episode: s15e20 Carry On, M/M, Making peace with the ending as best as I can
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-10 03:40:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27646958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iooking/pseuds/iooking
Summary: A small little edit of what was given to us. An introspection of Dean's internal monologue as the cruel events unfold.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 4
Kudos: 70





	the preparations of peace

It wasn’t supposed to end this way.

When the pen was ripped from Chuck’s hand, Dean knew that the grips of fate no longer held him, or Sammy, and that for once in their lives duty and free will were no longer entangled in the ways that they were. The painful entanglement that led to the loss of friends, loved ones, and for brief and harrowing moments, their own humanity. The exact entanglement that left the most bitter taste in his mouth, that when free will was truly, finally theirs, the things that were taken away from him would still be gone.

He tells Sammy that it was supposed to happen this way. Fate, something that was once the center of their grief now feels like the antidote. A reason, an explanation, a turning point in a pre-planned journey. He tells Sammy that it was supposed to happen this way so that Sammy doesn’t feel the guilt of free will. The heavy burden of a life they’ve always wanted. He asks Sammy to tell him it is okay, to tell him that the story is okay, so that the wrath of guilt does not do the same harm it did to himself. 

It wasn’t supposed to end this way, and as the world fades around him, Dean wonders if a slow death is a cruel reminder that free will has a cost.

It wasn’t supposed to end this way, but deep-down Dean is happy that he is not alone when it does.

It wasn’t supposed to end this way, and the sacrifices laid out for him flicker painfully in his vision, of all the times that free will was used to keep him alive.

It wasn’t supposed to end this way, but when Sammy tells him it’s okay, Dean lets it end.

\--

Mortality feels different when someone else isn’t writing your story. 

There is something to be said about taking ownership of the cards you are dealt. Just as Dean lets go, he accepts that, in some sort of twisted way, he has made a choice. One final choice, one final middle finger to the cosmic joke that has encapsulated their lives.

Mortality feels different when you’re allowed to think.

\--

When Bobby mentions Castiel, Dean doesn’t know how to react. In making sure that Sammy was okay, Dean had pushed aside the nagging thought of the things he couldn’t say to the angel that risked it all for him. He couldn’t even bring himself to ask Jack for something so selfish before he left, to force something like that onto Castiel, to make trivial the sacrifice that he had made. Dean knew that one day he would face this, but life certainly had a way of making a much earlier exit than anticipated. In his last moments on Earth, Dean had worked so hard to make peace with what had happened, to find a way to settle the turmoil that burned in his heart from the moment Castiel placed his hand on his shoulder to save him. In convincing Sammy to live life in their honour, he had hoped to convince himself as well. If only he had a little more time. That was all he needed.

Upon realizing that Castiel was no longer in the Empty, and that Castiel helped build the world in front of him – the familiar world that seemingly has everything Dean wanted, Dean realized that he had one more opportunity to exercise the free will that he so yearned for, the same free will that led him here.

He feels Bobby’s eyes on him as he makes his way to the Impala, gripping the steering wheel a few times to adjust his breathing. As he drives down this new world, he remembers the last words that Jack had said to him, that no one would have to pray to him or sacrifice to him. Dean had to make this choice from a place that did not hinge on anyone but himself. He can’t help but chuckle at the irony that in the one place where he could truly have everything he wanted, he still felt trepidation around asking for the one thing he wanted the most. 

As the Impala pulled up to a bridge that overlooked a calm river, Dean stopped the car and stepped out. Placing his hands on the wooden railing, he squeezed it a few times more to remind himself that this was real. That not only was this bridge, this river, and the ground beneath his feet real, but so was the revelation that his free will would forever be intact. Slowly, he closed his eyes, like the many times he had done before when he prayed fervently to the angel that would never stop saving him, but this time he knew it was different.

“Cas, you got your ears on?”

He let the gentle breeze run across his face, a reminder that there was nothing to fear in this moment.

“I suppose things didn’t go quite as planned, but for once we didn’t have a plan. Hell, I suppose then that this makes all the more sense, doesn’t it? But I’m here now.” He stops to take a deep breath, hands squeezing at the railing again. 

One, two, three.

“Man, you’d think with limitless endings I’d be able to pick one that didn’t suck so much, huh” he laughs, shaking his head at the sheer absurdity of what happened in what feels like the past 5 minutes. Bobby was right, time does work weird around here. “But I’m not done with my ending. There’s something missing, or someone, rather, and no matter how long I have to wait in this paradise you made I won’t be satisfied with this ending. Just this once, I’m going to be selfish.”

One, two, three.

“Right now, right here, I’m making that choice. There’s something I need to say to you and I’m not ending this until I get to say it. It will never be perfect enough, Cas, and I’m sorry but that’s just the truth.” He heaves a shaky sigh before blinking his eyes open, adjusting to the fireworks of foliage that border the river. 

“It’s not perfect without you.”

\--

On the drive back, Dean feels a strange sense of relief. Nothing has been resolved, yet he knows that he made his case. Of course, it took dying and heaven to finally say them out loud, but he supposes that finality has a much different meaning now than it did 15 years ago. He knew that this wasn’t the end.

As the dust settles around the Impala, parked in the same spot in front of the Roadhouse, he squeezes the steering wheel once more before stepping out.

One, two, three.

Bobby is still sitting there, though perhaps to him it has only been a few minutes since Dean had driven off. Before Dean can say anything, Bobby gives him a smile and says,

“There’s someone waitin’ for you inside the bar.”

Dean furrows his brow, but before he can ponder on it any longer, Bobby motions towards the doors. “Don’t just stand there, you idjit, go on in” he grunts, with more force than necessary, but the smile in his eyes tells Dean everything he needs to know.

As the doors swing open and Dean takes a step inside, he sees that the bar is empty except for one figure sitting alone in the corner. The man stands up, and Dean feels his body tremble, riding the line between crying and laughter. He clears his throat, ignoring the tears that fall freely down his face.

“Cas, you son of a bitch” he exhales, and he can’t help but smile. He’s finally made it home.

Castiel smiles, and it’s the same smile that created this entire world for Dean, that created this forever that he wasn’t ready to accept.

“Hello, Dean.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading- it has been a hot minute since I have written any sort of fiction, so please excuse some of my writing! Overall, like many of you, I am unhappy with the, ahem, choices made in this finale, but I wanted to do my best to deal with the scenarios that we were given.
> 
> I hope this helps with the aftershocks of this finale even a little bit. Remember to give love in the same ways that Dean always has! Cheers.


End file.
